Oh no, No More NaNoWriMo or What to Do With November Now

Here we are again: 🍂🍁November is one of my favorite months of the year. A month full of contemplation, retrospect, introspect, gratitude. I am often in awe and humbled by it's beauty, even on the most chilly and blustery of days. Often in November, I try to start the month on a quest of gratitude and thankfulness. I am hoping to post a little snippet of what makes my life so beautiful. Some years, some days, I do better than others. In this period of confusion, pain and divisiveness, it is time to nurture hope and love. As I stare out the window at the brilliant gold of our two Gingko trees as they splash color against a rainy, gray, overcast sky I am reminded that November used to mean trying to NaNoWriMo. The National Novel Writing Month. Sadly, the non-prof that ran a skeleton framework for NaNoWriMo grew into a larger-than-they-could-handle business that was suddenly besieged by scandal, mis-used fundage, and the ensuing lack of interest that plagues the American scene. I honestly hadn't given NaNoWriMo a second thought for the last several years as my confidence in my own writing ability and the joy in my life started to drain in what I can only compare to some kind of mid-life crisis. Now, at 60, I want to give it another go. Maybe not a novel but at least leaning into this blog more. I'm sure I mentioned something about that back in August, the last time I signed in here to proclaim my new-found desire to start something and stick with it. Before I believe that 60 will look just like 50 or 40 or 30 for that matter, hope springs eternal. And so, we blog. I am forever grateful that I do find time for new beginnings, even though some of them only suffer early demise to grow into more new beginnings.

10 Days In

    Here I am again, still contemplating what being 60 and semi-retired means to me. I think I have the semi-retired/work part dialed in. 2-3 days a week subbing and picking up an event every now and again keeps me happy and paid.  

    It's the down-time that has me perplexed. Certainly, I spent plenty of time mulling it over; Crushing the Candys and scrolling the Socials. I have read a couple of great books but you must check out Parable of the Sower by Octavia Butler, scary and fascinating-A real eye-opener. 

     Of course, I have gone through the usual list of suspects: Read more, cook more, learn the Mandolin, learn Scottish, hike more, ride my bike, craft. I'm feeling slightly more confident that I will be able to attain these goals over time. 

     I know I'm on the right track but there is this little voice, just barely audible under the din of all of the other voices in my head, asking about my bucket list. Not sure I ever made an actual bucket list per se. Where to start? 

     Most definitely trips to Scotland, Ireland, Alaska all fall in there somewhere. I would also like to take a road trip around the PNW and see some sites before they disappear (I'm looking at you, glaciers in Glacier National Park). Seeing the Grand Canyon would be a real treat too; so many memories there. I have always loved that park. 

     I used to want to skydive, not so sure about that one anymore but I did see a glider in a field on my way to the coast last week and it intrigued me. A glider flight may be on the list. I have heard it's so quiet and peaceful and at the same time exhilirating. Conflicting emotions? Irony? Just my cup of tea.

     I'd love an invitation to be a Disneyland Club 33 member, even for just one day. If any of you Club 33 members out there want to send an invite, I'd be eternally grateful. Literally, I would die happy and spend eternity being grateful for the day. I would prefer to hold off on the eternal part, at least for a little while but you know I'd still be grateful. 

     An up close and personal encounter with a whale, any kind of whale, would be on the list. Like eye to eye, Whale Rider style. I have always wanted this one and when I say always I mean since my earliest memories of even knowing about whales. Of course, this encounter would have to be on the whale's terms and not in some creepy, exploitive, marine mammal-killing confinement situation. A not so up close encounter with lions in Africa would be on there but I don't really want to fly to Tanzania or South Africa. A not so up close encounter with the Grizzly Bears of Katmai is definitely more in the obtainable range. I might actually work on getting there. 

     Something else on my list from the way-back machine is attend the Academy Awards, preferably as a voting member but I won't be too picky about this one. The original dream would be receiving an Oscar on stage but I feel I've missed that shot. To feel the energy of that room, live and in person, would be electric. 

Me, on the rim of Mt St Helens :)

     Climbing Denali used to be and old bucket list item of mine, when I was young-er. I never came close to the climb except in a fly-over of Denali Base Camp in a Bush Pilot's quick tour of the Park. That was pretty thrilling. It was what ignited the desire to hike up mountains in the first place. Mt. Saint Helens and a good portion of Mt. Hood will have to suffice. I've just recently realized that when I look at St. Helens across the river I no longer want another shot at her. I made it to the rim. I played in the Boulder Field and cried in the Scree. If you put together the Bush flight and the Hood/Helens climbs, I think I'll give my Denali climb a partial check in the box. I think I need to ponder this Bucket List thing a little more. I look at the few items I have above and they are all about grandness and glory aren't they? What did you expect from a Leo? I'm sure the more I think about it the more I will adjust the list. Do you have a bucket list? What would you suggest for one?

On Turning 60 (and returning to a blog I stopped writing seven years ago)

 Absolutely, it sounds cliche in all of it's iterations.  3rd Chapter, Second Act, Golden Years, Other Side of the Mountain, Over the Hill, all of the above.  They summon visions of Pickle Ball tournaments and Walkers, Kick A** hikers at the top of the mountain and Blue Hairs on the patio for Brunch.  They are seasoned, senior, mature, venerable and my personal favorite, experienced.  

I'm using "they" when I should be referring to we, me, I.  Yesterday, I turned 60.  Not sure what I was expecting.  I've had my share of aches, pains and senior moments exponentially for the last decade, easily, but when I explained to my MIL (whom I adore) that I don't feel 60 she responded "No, you never do.  I don't feel 90 either but here we are."  It is so very true that, as you age and change, you never really grow out of being you.  I can very easily identify my inner-child, the rebel without a cause youth, the scared but brave-facing new parent, the school mom and now the slightly confused/slightly bemused sexagenarian.  Oh, how I love that moniker.  I'll hang it up there on the shelf next to my proudly displayed Gen X persona. 

I'm having difficulty identifying my emotions.  They really are all over the Feelings Wheel.  IYKYK.  

Wild at Wonder Lake

I have always loved my birthdays; they rank right up there with New Year's Day, Advent, Lent, the first day of Summer, New Moons.  All of these are great times of the year for me to reinvent myself, a habit I picked up during the many moves my family made when I was young.  Not that the re-invention was ever better or worse than the affectation I wore beforehand, I just really thrive on the attempt at being better.  I embrace change as often as I reject it.  Part of me longing for adventure, part of me wanting to cocoon until the end of days, you have to laugh at how consistantly I make efforts to refashion myself.  

I am newly retired (1 year) and although I love my substitute paraprofessional position, I know from experience that I do not want who I am to be so wrapped up with what I am doing for a living.  I am more than my job, so to speak.  Currently, I am hoping to find a solid direction for the next 30 years of my life (give or take a few). 

OK, maybe not super solid.  More fluid than solid but with no chaos.  Well, maybe just a little chaos.

  

  

Looking back...Baloo and beyond

Hanging out at home today with Aengus, our lovely giant love of a mutt. He is feeling as out of sorts as I am. Just yesterday we had to assist our amazing Baloo up to the Rainbow Bridge.  A lovely metaphor  or euphemism for pet euthanasia.

Baloo

Baloo was with us for close to 15 years.  He was a crazy puppy we adopted from the Oregon Humane Society and he was a bundle of energy from day one. I had so much I wanted to say about him but now I don't know where to start or what to say.

These last couple of months have been a swirl of life coming at me too fast to attempting to slow down the day to day to longing for closure.  In addition to Baloo's rapid decline in health, I lost an amazing friend to cancer and my beautiful mother as well.  My reactions to each of these loved one's passing have been utterly exhausting, spasmodic and full of fits and starts. I have read about stages of grief and all of that but where is the cut and dry?  The line by line stages? I have felt my emotions turn every which way all at once.  I feel myself seeking solace and at once breathing sighs of relief.

I used to write.  I guess I still write, just not as much as I'd like to and definitely not as publicly as I used to.  I haven't shared on this blog page in well over a year and before that post, a year further still.  Oh the things I used to do...and share...before the fear of Oversharing became a thing.  I can admit that I may border on being an over-sharer at times.  Social Media allowed me to express and expose so much that I wanted to express and expose but was too awkward to actually get out.  And so I transitioned from one fear (awkward personal encounters) to another (awkward online actions).  My fickleness between the two led me to drop both of my online blogs simultaneously leaving me with countless un-posted pictures of food and sunsets on my camera.

I struggled with posting about these deaths that have peppered my life this summer. I don't think I posted at all about Ruthie.  I wanted her passing to be a lie.

Mammom and Pop at Shae's wedding

I could barely bring myself to post some pictures of my mom with a cryptic blue heart in the description.  My words were nowhere to be found.  As I approach her memorial I wonder what my heart will let me share. My sadness over losing her bit by bit to Alzheimer's is running concurrent with my guilt.  Did I let her slip away from me too soon?

I posted a similar photo montage of my dear pet, Baloo, along with a short eulogy of his life.  Dozens of my friends acknowledged my loss with-in moments of my post.  Was this what I was looking for?  Some sort of affirmation for my jumbled feelings?  Misery loves company?  I don't know.

I do know it was/and is appreciated.  I'm just not sure I'm expressing it all adequately right now.  Hashtag Awkward Emoticon Blue Heart Emoticon Smiley Face with Hands Raised Shoulders Shrugged.

The art of procrastination and reflection turned discovery:

I haven't been here in nearly a year.  I've posted in other places, social media, the food blog, my journal but I haven't put anything here.  Almost a year.

When this blog was started it was to cheer myself and my coworkers up.  Our district was going through a horrendous time.  Lay-offs, budget cuts, lost jobs, another superintendent ( of many) to make his way through.  Our lives were off kilter and it was hard to look for good in anything.  We had even considered renaming Happy Hour.  Something sad, pathetic more in line with the times we spent crying in our beer and wine.  We did not acquiesce.  We pulled ourselves up by our proverbial bootstraps and kept on keeping on.  We found ways, small at first and then growing, to acknowledge all that was wonderous and special and beautiful all around us.

Now I find myself in a similar but much smaller funk.  Depression has been playing funny things with me even in the midst of a 30 year Anniversary to a truly wonderful man and being able to spend time with my very beautiful, very brilliant, and funny family.  Depression has a way of flat-lining things and although they are enjoyable, they aren't fully enjoyed.  Like a soda or ginger ale (my favorite).  With the bubbles it is delightful.  When it is flat, the sweet spicy ginger ale taste is still there but needs to be more enjoyable.  It's like I need a soda stream machine for life.

I've been struggling with some old health issues that seem to be coming in with a vengeance and my adult children are really getting on my to get things checked out. It seems so much easier to chalk the pains up to getting older and power through.  I'm getting the feeling that my depression is related to my pain or my pain is related to my depression and so I'm going to do more than power through.  I will not acquiesce but I will reach down again for those bootstraps and make a plan.

Part of that plan includes using this blog again, as it was initially intended.  To post and reflect each day on the good and the weird and the beautiful.  I feel I can make sense of things again if I let this be totally random.

As I leave Lent behind and celebrate this stormy cold and yet still utterly beautiful peace-filled Easter Sunday, I will reflect on some photos from this really lovely Spring Break week.  I celebrated my 30 Wedding Anniversary to a simply exceptional husband.  There was a lot of beauty in this week, and peace.  If any of it felt flat, I just need to reflect on it more deeply and enjoy the richness that is life.

You wait and wait and suddenly BOOM!  Spring has sprung.  

Sun shower

I was working at the computer when it took me by surprise.  The room grew bright and warm.  A break in the day's rain, Sun shower.